“I’m afraid you will not smokemy meaning…”-John Keats
Thursday morning he moved himself out of bedbefore any light broke throughthe already broken shadeand stood in front of the bathroom mirrorlooking into his vast and cheerless eyesfingering the crude markings on his skinthe insoluble blemishes put there by acts of insistenceby the mistaken bravado that left himfrustrated and bored with his frustration.He could hear his wife rustling in the bedroompulling the blankets convincingly over her headhe could hear the radio turn on then offhis Labrador pacing the hallway.Each sound was a disappointment, a challenge,a dare, a motivation to continue to standbarefoot, focused on his distorted reflection, at the blemishes,the chunks of his body x-rays would ignorethreads that weaved him into himthe sins and marbleized cursesthat lay buried just below the surface.He needed to survivehe needed all his debts to be settledto do what was necessaryby pulling a single edge razor from the drawerand putting it to his chestwhere he began to slice into each blemish.Initially, he cut with prudencelove’s dark amber was first then went the indiscretions, the accusations, the separations,and the many wordless years were cleanly hacked off.After which he became emboldened, lopping all his failures without remorse.It was only when his razor reached his conflicting empathysthat he hesitated, and took a step back to ask himselfwhy some blemishes hold stronger meaning than others.When he got no immediate answer he said “to hell”slicing them all off with a thump.He then rinsed out the sinkwashed his hands, before turning away from the mirrorwith a fresh sense of renewal, an excitement, a rebirth, an adolescent rush of attitudethat pushed him back to the bedroomwhere the sun was breakingthrough the already broken shade.His wife, sifting beneath a number of blankets,moved slightly when he folded them over and slid himself beside herpressing his flannel against her flannelas if he were someone else,another man,someone she had never met
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Photo by Nadiya Ploschenko on Unsplash