Lauren and Matt had been living together for six months and other than making a few adjustments for each other’s idiosyncrasies, things were going quite well. She was forty and he forty-one, both divorced and wiser and ready for a serious relationship.
“I think we get along amazingly,” Lauren said to her old friend, Kay as they enjoyed omelets at their favorite diner. “Even though he’s outdoorsy and I’m an inside girl.”
“Well, of course you’re an inside girl, being the artist that you are. I mean I know some famous artists worked outside, but I can’t imagine doing that with bugs in your paint and wind in your face.”
“Me neither,” said Lauren. “Besides the having to pee every hour thing. I’m just not into pulling my pants down and urinating in fields. Oh, and bugs in my face, not just the paint.”
She just was and always had been the kind of person who loved staying home and now, in this wonderful new house they were renting with option to buy, she could peacefully go about her illustrating and other artwork with the comfort of a wonderful man with whom to have dinner and spend cozy evenings.
“I just can’t believe my luck!” she told Kay. “After that disaster of a marriage I endured, this is like banana cream pie!”
“Hmmm,” said Kay. “’Hope your luck holds. I’m a little suspicious of things going smoothly.” She laughed. “But Matt is a great guy. I think you’ve got a good one there.”
Lauren and Matt had discussed making it permanent though not until the following year when they’d both paid off their cars and could start thinking about buying the house. Both cars were the kind that should last a long time, a Subaru and a Hyundai. The house did need a bit of work and occasionally, they fixed some of it. He ran his own contracting business and she was getting more and more illustrating work, so things looked decent financially. They weren’t planning on having children so vasectomies and tube tying were under discussion. They were quite contented with life.
And then one evening at dinner, Matt said, “You know, my cousin Alex called today. She broke up with her girlfriend and says she needs a place to stay until, as she put it, she gets her ‘shit together.’”
Lauren heard alarm bells going off all over the place. For a second, she couldn’t catch her breath.
“Doesn’t she have any friends?” she said quickly. “I mean in the lesbian community. Isn’t she in with a large crowd there? She’s always posting those party pics on Facebook.”
“Well, she’s not sure she’s a lesbian now and maybe they got sick of her wavering, I don’t know. She was always a little wavery on that.”
“Really?” said Lauren, her mind running a thousand miles per hour.
“Yeah,” said Matt, “she lived with that motorcycle guy for a while. I think he hit her or something though, so then she got a female lover and after that, Trini, the latest one. I thought Trini might last though – really nice women. Helped me put up some sheet rock and knew what she was doing.”
“But how long is she going to stay? What if she never leaves?”
“It won’t be forever, she never stays anyplace very long,” said Matt. “I think the longest was that sort of commune in Florida, maybe two years.”
“Two years? Oh my god. And where will we put her? I use the guest room for my workroom and that other bedroom is your office!”
“Well, I was thinking the basement,” he said. “We could set her up down there. She can use that shower down there and there’s a toilet.”
“But no sink,” Lauren said desperately.
“I’ll put one in, no biggie.”
Lauren started to cry a little.
“Now, now,” Matt said, “be grown up about it. Her parents took me in once after my father left and Mom started up with that asshole, so I feel I owe her.”
“Her parents took you in, not Alex!”
“Well, it’s just something I feel I gotta do, okay?”
Lauren was seething. She couldn’t stand Alex Semko and had only pretended to like her in the past to please Matt. But maybe she should enlighten him now.
“I don’t like her, Matt. She’s a snarky bitch.”
He looked at her sharply. “What are you talking about? Okay, I know her joking around gets on your nerves, but that’s hardly a sin. She makes me laugh all the time. What do you mean, she’s a bitch? What’re you talking about?”
“Oh, she always puts me on the defensive. It’s hard to explain. She always makes me feel that I’m not good for you or something.”
“That’s just silly,” Matt said. “Of course, you’re good for me. It’s just her way of joking around.”
“Well, I hate it,” Lauren said vehemently.
Matt sighed. “Well, hopefully she won’t stay here long. She’s a rolling stone so I don’t think we have to worry.”
Three weeks later, Alex was still there and not showing any signs of moving out. She had quit her job and was supposedly looking for another one. Occasionally, she helped out at a friend’s nursery but the friend couldn’t afford to hire her full or even parttime. Lauren was looking haggard and five years older, or so it seemed, when she saw herself in the mirror. She’d messed up her latest illustrating job and had to start all over, pissing off the client who had expected it to be done on time.
That night at dinner, she added more cheese to two frozen pizzas and that was it. No bothering with a salad. She was bored and tired. After downing two slices, Alex said to Matt, “Remember that black olive and garlic pizza Layla used to make? Man, that was like out of a gourmet restaurant or something. She was the best cook ever.” There was sauce on her chin but she didn’t wipe it off.
Layla was Matt’s ex-wife. “Maybe she was a cracker jack cook,” Lauren snapped, “but she was also a drug addict! There was that!”
“Oh, that was an exaggeration,” said Alex and Lauren imagined various very bloody ways of murdering her. Matt, with a dreamy look in his eyes, just kept chewing.
“I am going out of my mind,” she told Kay when they managed to meet for coffee at the diner. “I’m ordering a ten thousand calorie cinnamon roll, fuck it,” she added. “That woman is driving me crazy and Matt just acts happy as a lark, whistling while he works. We’ve only had sex twice since she got here and the bitch just assumes I’m going to cook every night and feed her ass! Never lifts a finger, just plops down a loaf of bread or bag of chips now and then and assumes that covers her share! Also, she has irritable bowel syndrome or something and stinks the bathrooms up like you wouldn’t believe. Maybe it’s colitis, who knows? I think she mentioned it might be that.”
“How about the other thing?” asked Kay. “The putting you on the defensive thing.”
“Oh, that’s in full swing,” said Lauren. “She and Matt are out in the back yard every single night looking at the sky and drinking wine, and then I have to take constant little digs about me ‘staying inside all the time’ and being a ‘wuss’ about the bugs biting and ‘It’s summer, why don’t you enjoy it?’ What happened to Matt and me watching shows together and being all cozy? Or going out for a bite to eat, just the two of us? Then she’ll start on Let’s all go on a cruise together! and What do you mean, you need to save money? or Come on, we’ll have a ball! What she really means is ‘you’ll pay for it all and Matt and I will drink all the time while you sit alone in your room.’ God, I hate her. I wish she’d curl up and die!”
“I see what you mean,” said Kay. “She subtly chips away at you, making you look to Matt, like you’re a stick-in-the-mud holding him back from having an active life.” Kay sighed. “I’m afraid for you now. There doesn’t seem any way to get rid of her.”
“Yeah, it’s kind of like I’d have to give Matt an ultimatum. Either she goes or I go. And that is so depressing. I don’t want to lose him and on the money end, I’ve invested a good bit into living together.”
The two women sipped their coffee in silence, and then Kay laughed. “Too bad you can’t hire a hitman.”
Another silence then Lauren said, “If only she were allergic to something.”
“Like peanuts, you mean?”
“Yeah, like peanuts. But she’s not because she scarfs them down if you open a can. Like everything else, scarfs it down and doesn’t replace it.”
“How about seafood?” said Kay. “You know, shrimp? That kills some people.”
“No, she’ll eat a hundred shrimp if you set them in front of her.”
Both women were silent for several minutes, then Kay said, “Too bad she doesn’t suddenly get sick.”
“Well, it would have to be sick enough to go to the hospital because otherwise, we’d be stuck with her staying with us and waiting on her hand and foot.”
Kay said, “Are you thinking of her getting sick enough to leave this planet by any chance?”
Lauren shrugged. “Well, I wouldn’t object to that but no. If I were planning to commit murder, would I be discussing it with another person? Hardly, unless it was a hitman. Also, there is karma to answer to.”
Kay smiled. “So, what is your goal then. Almost dead, maybe?”
“Just out of my house, gone forever. Afraid to come back, how about that? Hmmm,” added Lauren, “sort of sick maybe. Or make her think she’s sick? Remember that episode of I Love Lucy when they convinced Lucy she was sick? But would Alex leave if she thought she was sick, that’s the thing.”
“You’d have to convince her that she’s sick because of where she is. Like your house or something. Or this area maybe. Make her want to move far from here.”
“That’s the ticket,” said Lauren, “but how?”
“Mold?” said Kay. “Something like that in your house?”
“Mold,” Lauren said. She went silent, the wheels in her brain clicking away. After a long moment, she said, “Hmmmm. I think I might be able to bring that on.”
“With real mold?” said Kay with some alarm.
“Of course not,” said Lauren. “Remember, I’m an artist. Another thing might be mice. Like if she thinks mice are all over the place. She might come off easy-breezy and out for adventure but I think she’s a bit of a wuss underneath it all.”
“You’re smiling,” said Kay.
“Just thinking,” Lauren said.
Back home, Lauren got out her art supplies and experimented with mixing pastel and colored chalk together. She studied pictures of black mold online. After a while, she crushed some pastels and chalk together and figured she could apply it with a paper towel. Setting that aside, she went back online and discovered organic black rice. Looked just like mouse turds, so she drove to the health food store and bought a small bag of it. Now she had to see when Alex was definitely out of the house for an extended period in order to apply these things.
Shortly, the opportunity arose. “Me and Char are going river rafting,” Alex announced at dinner that evening. Lauren had made chicken soup even though it was kind of hot outside. Matt liked it no matter when it was served.
“It’s kind of hot for soup, isn’t it?” Alex said.
“When are you going rafting?” Lauren asked.
“Wanna come? Friday. Maybe we’ll stay overnight, get a motel room.” She raised her eyebrows up and down.
“Oh,” said Matt, “a new romance, is it?”
“Maybe, maybe not,” said Alex.
Lauren had her supplies ready by early Friday morning when Char came to pick Alex up. Matt had a big project going so he left shortly after and Lauren rubbed her hands together. She immediately called Kay who was on alert and conveniently not working that day, so she came right over.
“Let’s get going,” said Lauren and led her down to the basement. “I’m glad you’re here to steady the ladder.”
“It looks pretty steady already,” said Kay, laughing.
They applied the black stuff to ceiling corners and haphazardly along the wall near the floor, making sure Alex could see it from her bed. “Not too much,” said Lauren. “It has to look like it just popped up in a few places.”
“Let’s see the mouse turds,” said Kay when they were finished with the fake mold.
Lauren opened the rice bag and dropped some in Kay’s hand.
“Wow,” said Kay. “Sure would fool me.”
They dropped some around, a couple pieces in Alex’s clothing and shoes and around her other things. “Get a few over there near that bag of chips,” Kay said.
By the time they were done, they were giggling like teenagers. Stepping back to look at their work, Kay said, “I sure wouldn’t want to stay down here, that’s a fact. Just full of dangerous diseases now.”
“I think I hear the diner calling our names,” said Lauren and they drove off to reward themselves.
Alex didn’t get back till Sunday and the weekend was pleasant without her. Matt and Lauren had sex and could watch a couple of shows without having to listen to Alex’s ongoing commentary. “It’s very peaceful without her,” Matt remarked.
“Well, duh,” said Lauren.
“I’m sorry about all this,” he said. “I just felt that I owed her, but it’s gone on way too long.”
Lauren said nothing about her artistic activities in the basement.
It did not take long for them to take effect. Alex clamored up the basement steps and burst into the kitchen. “You got mold down there! You’re gonna have to scrape out the entire basement down to the studs!”
“Mold?” Matt said, standing up. “I never saw any down there.”
“Well, go look, buddy! I’m not sleeping down there now. Also, you got mice. They’re all over the place! Probably crawling on me while I sleep!”
Matt was showing signs of disbelief but Lauren cut in. “Everybody has mice around here. It’s perfectly normal. Usually just in the winter but in our case, I’ve seen them in July. No big deal, cute little things.”
“Well, uh…” Matt was still mumbling and before he could stupidly suggest that she move upstairs, Lauren said, “Well, I don’t know where you’re going to sleep then because all the rooms up here are in use.” Her voice was firm.
Alex’s face was red and she looked on the edge of a panic attack. “That’s okay, I’m moving in with Char. We might take off for the west coast. She’s been thinking about California or maybe Oregon.”
“Well, now that sounds good,” said Lauren with some force. “You want us to help you pack and get the stuff into your car?”
That evening, Lauren lay back on the sofa with her feet stretched out on the coffee table. Matt was downstairs checking out the “mold.” She had already cleaned up the “mouse turds.” Now she heard him coming up the steps and he appeared by the sofa looking suspicious.
“I don’t know where that mold came from. It just appeared out of nowhere. And I didn’t see any mouse turds.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Lauren said, smiling. “I’ll clean it off.”
She saw his face take on a look of sudden realization and then she could tell he didn’t know whether to be angry or to laugh. She flicked on the TV.
Photo by Tuan Lifecolor on Unsplash
