I liked the feeling of being knifed to pieces
and sent bleeding down a hill
like earth torn in torrential rains
racing through an innocent village
I might have loved elephants but
laughed when I escaped with a tusk
I liked watching you disappear
after I fucked you, like someone
pulled beneath the surface
of the ocean by a hungry shark
I might have loved you but
I was busy swimming away
I liked to think I was the blood
emptied from an innocent throat
but really I was the knife
left on the floor smiling silver teeth
you should have known better than to sit
on the stairs all night waiting to see if I’d stop breathing
I was a ghost slipping past you,
a sly hand brushing the back of your dress
as I escaped into the terror
of another sleepless night
I believed in time warps
I honestly didn’t think you’d notice I’d been gone
I defied god’s will for me and hid
in dark ugly places hoping
you wouldn’t see me
hoping you wouldn’t miss me
I grew used to sleeping in my own urine
and getting an aids test every 6 months
I believed my demons to be deities
giving me all the stars in the sky
all the universe
my own exploding orgasm
I wasn’t measured
in my response to impulse
there is no heart available
to the obsessive mind
that only craves more and more
and I craved more and more
I awoke most mornings without
the ability to love anything or anyone
***
