Each night, for several weeks in 2010, I listened for the growing thump of the subwoofer that let me know my boyfriend was home from work. Ashamed, I scurried to bed and pretended to be asleep. He crawled into bed and at his first snore, I crept to the living room. I scrounged for the hidden book, thumbed to the dog-eared page, and disappeared into the world of Twilight.
Breaking entertainment news: “The Twilight Saga: Eclipse breaks US release record.” From The Guardian, June 30, 2010: “Teen vampire film to open in the greatest number of American cinemas in history.”
The question at the water cooler? “Are you Team Edward or Team Jacob?”
I snorted and rolled my eyes. As if I would read Twilight!
“All bets are off as to whether the latest Twilight film will surpass the gargantuan box-office takings of the two previous films in the teen vampire-romance series when it opens in the US tonight. However, one thing is already certain: The Twilight Saga: Eclipse will debut in more Stateside cinemas than any movie in history.”
Eclipse did exceed Twilight and New Moon in the box office, grossing $30.1 million. The 2010 movie’s figure wasn’t surpassed until the following summer. But none of my money contributed to the sum.
In 1995, I was in my junior year in college, just starting the landscape architecture program. I chilled with my college boyfriend and my roommate as they argued about my brain.
“I got it! You’re like a merry-go-round or roller coaster.” My boyfriend passed the joint to my roommate in an up and down motion.
“No! No. No. She’s like a ping-pong ball. You never know where she’ll go next.” My roommate couldn’t stop giggling.
I exaggerated a groan. Sometimes my brain zoomed so fast that I could barely explain my train of thought. One of my classmates actually called me a crack baby. Ping-pong ball was definitely better.
“How did you get from Garth Brooks to Wimbledon? I swear, it’s like the six degrees of Kevin Bacon or something.”
Later, during an argument, my boyfriend wasn’t joking anymore. “You… are manic depressive.”
“I’m NOT crazy!”
You could also find the words scrawled throughout my journal.
The Twilight Saga: Bella’s Self-confidence
In Twilight, the first in Stephanie Meyers’s four book series, The Twilight Saga, we meet Bella, a clumsy, insecure teenage girl who is instantly infatuated with her new high school’s unobtainable hunk, Edward. His level of perfection in the story is described in detail, over and over… and over. But Edward is a monster. First, he is one of a local family of vampires, albeit “vegetarians.” Second, throughout the books, he stalks Bella, ignores her wishes, makes decisions for her, disables her truck to prevent her from doing something he disapproves of, lies to her repeatedly, and physically restrains her. Still, she falls in love with him.
At one point in Twilight, she admits that his influence over her is “pathetic and unhealthy.” However, due to her lack of self-confidence, Bella constantly puts herself in situations where she gives up control of her own life and decisions. She makes excuses for him like: he’s doing it for her own good, he just knows better than she does, and he loves her. As far as she is concerned her life is worth less than anyone she loves, and she sacrifices everything for him.
When I met Noel, he was interviewing me for a position as student officer for campus security. Later he told me I bombed the interview, but he hired me anyway. He was enthusiastic about the work because he wanted to be a police officer. I just needed a job. After six months of flirting with me and working together, he told me he didn’t know how to cook.
“Well, I’ll teach you, if you buy the ingredients.” I was broke and payday was a few days away.
We walked after dinner. When it started raining, he started back toward my house, but I took off my shoes and danced in the downpour. He told me I was beautiful. He told me I was talented and creative. He said all the right things and we moved in together six months later. I was blinded by his overwhelming affection.
The Twilight Saga: Edward’s Mountain Meadow
As Edward and Bella spend more and more time together, Edward takes Bella to an idyllic, sun-soaked meadow in the mountains full of wildflowers and a babbling brook. His skin, cold, silky smooth – like marble, and pale under the cover of clouds, sparkles like crystal in the sunlight. Bella is awestruck and talks about his dazzling beauty ad nauseam.
It is here that Edward explains how compelling the desire to kill her is and also how much he loves her. He demonstrates his speed and strength which finally frightens her, but not enough. The scene culminates in their first kiss.
On the TV screen, two groups of Clydesdales faced off on either side of a field while the video was reviewed over and over.
Cowboy #1 said, “This referee is a jackass.”
Cowboy #2 replied, “Nope, I believe that’s a zebra.”
I stared blankly, trying to convince myself to turn off the TV. The same thing I did during every commercial. Instead, I lay on the couch hiding from my life by immersing myself in the worlds of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Charmed.
About half an hour before Noel was due home from his job as a Sheriff’s Deputy, I clicked the off button on the remote and made my way to the bedroom. I knew what he’d say if I were still awake, the dishes undone and garbage overflowing. I pulled off my clothes and clambered under the covers. Warm tears pooled in my ears while I stared at the ceiling, ticking off every missed opportunity to accomplish something… anything. I rolled over and buried my face into the pillow, pushing it into my eyes as I sobbed.
I am lazy. I am worthless. What is the point?
Mental Health America, Online Mental Health Screening, Mood Disorder Questionnaire.
Has there ever been a period of time when:
- you felt so good or so hyper that other people thought you were not your normal self, or you were so hyper that you got into trouble?
- you were so irritable that you shouted at people or started fights or arguments?
- you felt much more self-confident than usual?
- you got much less sleep than usual and found you didn’t really miss it?
- you were much more talkative or spoke much faster than usual?
- your thoughts raced through your head or you couldn’t slow your mind down?
- you were so easily distracted by things around you that you had trouble concentrating or staying on track?
- you had much more energy than usual?
- you were much more active or did many more things than usual?
- you were much more social or outgoing than usual, for example, you telephoned friends in the middle of the night?
- you were much more interested in sex than usual?
- you did things that were unusual for you or that other people might have thought were excessive, foolish, or risky?
The answer is Yes. Yes, to every single question. Yes.
My college boyfriend was right. Late in 2004, after dozens of assessments for anxiety, ADHD, severe PMS, chronic depression, and PTSD, I was finally diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
“There are so many people, so many animals… our environment that need help. I donate to The Red Cross, The Nature Conservancy, National Arbor Day Foundation, and the Hunger Project. But that’s just not enough. I want to volunteer, too. But I can’t help everyone. I just… can’t. It hurts so much, and I’m so scared of making the wrong decision.” Tears were dripping off my chin.
“If you allow yourself to be paralyzed by indecision, you won’t be able to help anyone.” My therapist offered me a tissue.
“I know!” I snatched a tissue out of the box.
“We’ve talked about this before. When you experience ‘overwhelm,’ how do you continue to move forward?”
“One step at a time.” I sniffled.
“Right. So, pick one. It doesn’t have to be the ‘right’ one, because you can always volunteer somewhere else. You get to change your mind.” She paused to let it sink in. “That’s okay. It doesn’t have to be forever.”
I decided to volunteer at a local nature park. I helped by tracking Eastern Box Turtles for scientific research. Every other week, my turtling partner and I spent a couple of hours hunting our turtle in the forest above the estuary with telemetry equipment and logging its location and activity. I also helped out the marketing and promotions committee and planned and ran special events for almost 10 years.
“Housing Crisis Getting Uglier in 2010” On the CBS Evening News, February 2, 2010.
“CBS News correspondent Ben Tracy reports the American Dream is now a nightmare for many of the 75 million Americans who own a home.”
Noel and I bought our house in Aberdeen in 2002 for $89k. It had more than doubled in value when we refinanced in 2006. In 2009, we were grateful we both had good jobs and could afford our mortgage. We were grateful we didn’t have to sell our home.
“The housing report card is ugly. In the past two years, the housing market has lost an estimated $4.9 trillion dollars, as 59 million homes have declined in value. Nearly 1 in 4 homeowners — 10.7 million households nationwide — are underwater on their mortgages. They owe more than their home is now worth.”
“I think it would work if we added a meditation garden – here.”
My coworker and I were developing a landscape plan for a local resource center for survivors of spousal abuse and sexual assault. It was part of the pro bono work that MRA, the engineering and architecture firm that I worked for, did. I was excited to be doing something that I cared deeply about, not to mention that it wasn’t a development plan or stormwater management planting plan.
The phone on my desk trilled.
“Hello.”
“Hi. It’s Paul. Can you come to my office, please?”
Even though the company was small, I hadn’t had many occasions to go to the Vice President’s office. My stomach dropped and my fingers tingled. It was 2009 and I had every reason to suspect I was going to be laid off. Housing developments were few. Corporate parks were the only thing keeping the company afloat. There were only three people left in the Planning department, and I was lowest on the totem pole.
I clenched and unclenched my hands, trying to dispel the numbness, and told my coworker I’d see her later. I walked to the VP’s office holding my head high. When I heard the words though, it was all I could do to breathe. I thanked him for the opportunity to work for the company and rushed to the bathroom so no one would see my overflowing tears. After I pulled myself together, I gathered my things and left my first and last job as a professional Landscape Architect.
The Twilight Saga: Speed
All vampires in The Twilight Saga can move so fast that humans can’t see them, but Edward runs faster than any other vampire. He is also a recklessly fast driver, although his vampiric reflexes and impenetrable body make this fact less important, unless Bella is in the car. Edward’s fascination with speed is reinforced by the “shiny, silver” Volvo and Aston Martin V12 Vanquish that he drives and by the Mercedes “Guardian” and Ferrari F430 that he buys for Bella, two cars that she is embarrassed to drive and did not ask for.
I ran out to the carport in a fine drizzle, my bare feet splashing through iridescent puddles. The smell of damp earth and warm, wet pavement hung in the air. Noel was installing a new amplifier for the sound system in his white 2005 Corvette Targa top. My friends joked that he spent more time with his car than he did with me.
We had already discussed my options after I was laid off. Even though he made almost three times my income, renegotiating our 50/50 split of the bills wasn’t one of those options. I needed to find a job as soon as possible. But my friends encouraged me to file for unemployment – to take my time to find the ‘right’ job. According to them, I would probably get more from unemployment than I would from a minimum-wage job anyway. So here I was, wondering how I was going to bring it up and knowing there was no point.
“Whatcha need, sweetest?” The clouds parted and I saw a ray of sun. But the sound of the ratchet didn’t stop.
“Hey, I was thinking – I’ll probably make more money if I file for unemployment than anyplace else that I find a job right now.”
“Yeah, if you wanna be a deadbeat, living off the government.” Even though I knew what he’d say, sudden tears blurred my vision. The blue neon lights from the subwoofer lit up his face, but he didn’t look at me. “The longer you wait to find a job, the harder it’ll be. Have you started looking yet?” The sunshine disappeared.
I tried to laugh it off. “Of course. Macy’s is hiring.”
“That would be ‘trad,’ I bet you’d get a discount!” Trad was short for traditional, his word for something good. Because everything is better when nothing changes, right?
“Right.” I trudged back into the house.
“This dress is missing a bead. Right there. I’ll still buy it, but I want 50% off.”
I looked over the hundreds of beads on the mint green Adrianna Papell evening gown, but it could have been the Calvin Klein dress or the Ralph Lauren dress or any of the other dresses brought up by any of the women that frequented the store. On the hem, where the $300 dress met the floor, there was indeed a tiny bead missing.
“I’m sorry, I can’t give a discount like that, I’ll have to call my manager.”
“Fine. I’ll just take it. I don’t have time for this!” As she pulled her credit card from her Coach purse, she mumbled under her breath about my incompetence.
I took the platinum credit card and carefully pulled the dress bag over the gown. She snatched both from my hands and stomped away, leaving the smell of Chanel Coco Mademoiselle in her wake. I found a half dozen dresses – with delicate beads, lace, and embroidery – lying on the floor in the fitting room. I sighed. Every day, I hung them all back out on the racks.
My feet hurt, but my eight-hour shift was almost over. When I grabbed my things from the breakroom, I noticed a paperback book on the floor under a table. I fished it out and looked at the cover – two hands cupping a bright red apple. Twilight. I almost dropped it in the trash on my way out the door, instead I stuffed it into my handbag.
The Twilight Saga: Money
Money isn’t something Bella refers to often, other than the jar of grocery funds, but it is painfully obvious that Edward’s vampire family, the Cullens, are swimming in cash. While Bella never says that she and her father struggle, they live in a modest home, she drives a beat up 1950’s Chevy pickup, and he takes his police car home. Edward’s extravagant spending on Bella makes her feel uncomfortable and that much more inferior.
“I’m going to make it.” The dread that had settled on my shoulders lifted. I glanced down at the scribbles on the paper in front of me:
2 Macy’s paychecks: $812
½ of mortgage: – $400
Car loan: – $150
½ of utilities: – $135
Credit card payments: min – $120
2 Kroh’s paychecks: +$464
Verizon bill: – $60
Groceries: $100/wk – $400
$11
If I put my student loan in deferment, I would be okay. To double-check my numbers, I scrolled through my bank debits and froze. There was a $50 copay for my therapist and a $200 debit for my medications. I leaned over and put my head in my hands. The extension of my health insurance from MRA was running out. Without insurance, my meds were over $700 for a month’s supply. Tears squeezed through my closed lids. I was too tired to think of any options.
“Drug Prices Climb Faster Than Inflation, Again” From NPR, August 25, 2010: “The relentless rise in brand-name drug prices is getting to be a sad, familiar song. Last year, the average retail price for brand-name medicines (rose 8.3 percent). That’s the biggest jump in the last five years.”
I swallowed the last of my meds and looked at my wide eyes in the mirror. It will be okay. Most of my adult life I had been without meds. You are going to be okay. It’ll be okay.
“Shit!” The glass crashed against the floor splattering orange juice all over the kitchen. After sweeping up the shattered glass, I mopped the floor. I checked under the cabinet for stray pieces of glass and the smell of the bleach in the mop water burned my nostrils.
Disgusting! There were dust bunnies and random pieces of old food – shriveled blueberries, nuggets of dog kibble, and crusty peas. I scrubbed the floor under the cabinets. The scrub brush couldn’t get into the corners or truly clean the grout. I grabbed a toothbrush and continued with the white tile counters and cabinets and the pale-yellow walls. Glancing down at the splayed bristles on the toothbrush, I looked around the sparkling kitchen and hopped up and down on the balls of my feet, smiling.
Put the mop in the hall closet and knocked several coats off their hangers. Soon the tiny room was organized with plastic containers labeled “gloves,” “hats,” “tools.” I closed the closet door and glanced around the living room. Hmm. I had been meaning to give it a facelift. I fluttered around the room – taking measurements, drawing diagrams, and looking online for design ideas. Finally, I headed to bed and lay there for the rest of the night. My mind raced with colors, fabrics, artwork, and furniture.
The next day, I cranked They Might Be Giants’ Flood album through our living room surround sound. I danced around the room, singing and rearranging the furniture.
Istanbul was Constantinople
Now it’s Istanbul, not Constantinople…
When I pulled the couch away from the wall, I heard a soft thump. Twilight. I flipped through the pages.
“In the Olympic Peninsula of northwest Washington State, a small town named Forks exists under a near-constant cover of clouds.”
I was born in Washington. Though I only spent the first six months of my life there, I had always been fascinated by the state. So, I read a little more. The blaring music faded as I settled onto the couch. I didn’t notice when the CD came to an end.
The Twilight Saga: Edward’s Gift
Edward is 107 years old, stuck in a 17-year-old body and often speaks and acts like he is caught in another time. His unique “gift” is reading minds – except Bella’s. Other than his thirst for her unusually appealing blood, it is the absence of her internal thoughts above all else that draws Edward to Bella. Imagine the intrigue.
No conscious decision was made to read the book. Before Noel got home around three in the morning, I was done reading and in bed running pieces of the story through my head over and over. My head buzzed with one question. What happens next?
The following evening, my brain itched for more activity. Since I couldn’t get a copy of the second book, New Moon, until the next day, I read Twilight again.
“Teen love triangle at center of new ‘Twilight’” From Reuters, June 25, 2010: “Stewart told Reuters that even though Bella seems bound to choose Edward, Jacob makes things interesting. ‘What I really like about the love triangle is she thinks there could absolutely be no one else for her (except Edward) and… she (later) sees that she could totally be with someone else,’ said Stewart.”
When I was done with New Moon, I borrowed the third book, Eclipse, from my local library. I did the same for Breaking Dawn, the last in the series.
The End. In less than a week, I had read them all.
But I wanted to know more. I thought maybe I missed parts by reading them so quickly. I immediately reread them all. Twilight. New Moon. Eclipse. When I finished Breaking Dawn the second time, I searched for Stephanie Meyer’s website. I found a chapter of the story told from Edward’s perspective. Twilight. New Moon. Eclipse. Breaking Dawn.
To this point, I had avoided watching the movies. My library didn’t have them. I would have to rent or buy them. One afternoon, a friend from the estuary center called to see if I would watch the first movie with her. She “needed a good laugh.” We pan-popped popcorn and added salt and freshly grated parmesan. We joked and laughed about all the middle-aged women, with children of their own, swooning over teenage boys. I was ashamed by how eager I was to get the movie started.
It wasn’t hard to laugh when Edward scooped Bella on his back and “ran” up the mountain above the clouds. I watched for every nuance, every similarity, and every difference. When the movie was over, we joked about how bad the acting and cinematography were. All I could think about was that, after she left, I was going to log onto Amazon and buy New Moon.
I knew I didn’t have the money, but I had to compare the details from the movies with the books. I would just have to buy more ramen and less meat. Twilight. New Moon. Eclipse. Breaking Dawn. I watched the first two movies (Eclipse was still in theaters). Then I read the books again. Twilight. New Moon. Eclipse. Breaking Dawn.
The Twilight Saga: Bella’s Depression
At the beginning of New Moon, to “protect” Bella from himself, Edward tells her he doesn’t love her, and he and his family disappear from town. Bella initially falls apart and describes the pain as a gaping hole in her chest. She pulls herself together enough to go through the motions of living for months, eventually finding some relief from the apathy in rushes of adrenaline, like riding motorcycles and cliff diving.
Bella’s devastation over Edward’s exit from Forks may seem to some to be excessive. But when you have nothing else, when you’ve given up your life for someone, and they leave you, you have few options. If you consider her self-loathing and paralyzingly low self-esteem, Bella’s apathy makes perfect sense.
Without warning, a switch inside me flipped. A few weeks with no sleep and one morning I couldn’t get out of bed. I stared at the tiny imperfections of the wall. When I closed my eyes, I saw everything I had neglected – every chore, project, and every responsibility that I had ignored. My mind whirled in slow motion. I couldn’t breathe.
I listened to the sounds of life outside the window without really hearing them. I pushed the overwhelming fear, shame, and guilt down… down until everything disappeared. For days I slipped in and out between dreams and awareness.
I’m treading water in a churning river. Whirlpools threaten to pull me under and all I see is water. Desperate and hopeless, I struggle to move my leaden limbs.
The Twilight Saga: Love Triangle
Enter Jacob Black. Although a relatively minor character in the first book, Jacob adds the tension of a love triangle in New Moon. Jacob lives on the Quileute Indian Reservation in La Push, Washington. He is the polar opposite of Edward in many ways: fun-loving, warm, poor, and a werewolf. He is also impulsive, arrogant, and immature. At one point he actually tells Bella that he would rather she die than become a vampire. Although werewolves and vampires, like many such stories, are mortal enemies in The Twilight Saga, he seems to enjoy the rivalry, driving Edward to distraction and calling the vampires a variety of names like filthy bloodsuckers, leeches, and ticks.
Although Edward is absent for most of New Moon, in the third book, Eclipse, these two overbearing boy/men fight over the right to protect fragile, submissive Bella. Her mortality is a constant theme throughout the entire series, from her near-death experiences to her desire to become a vampire. The primary fuel in this desire is an unreasonable fear of aging. However, in her mind, her aging is just one more excuse for Edward to stop loving her. One that she must eliminate.
My hollow eyes stared back at me in the bathroom mirror. “I’m worthless. A failure. Ugly.”
The words were barely a whisper, my throat like a dry lakebed. I saw greasy hanks of long blond hair and my pale naked body.
“I’m fat. No wonder he won’t have sex with me. I’m worthless.”
The saltiness of a single tear stung my parched lips. I knelt on the bathroom rug. Then I laid my cheek against the cool tile of the floor and stared at the wisps of dog hair.
I’m a failure. I’m a failure. I’m a failure. The words repeated in my head like a song earworm. After weeks of avoiding their phone calls, I was getting ready to call my parents. I didn’t want them to be disappointed in me. I didn’t want them to know how weak I was.
“Hi, uh, Mom… Yeah, it’s me… Well, I lost my job a couple months ago… I can’t afford my meds anymore and I, uh, need some help… Yeah, well, they’re $700 a month… Yeah, I know…” I broke down sobbing.
They didn’t ask why Noel didn’t help. They knew I would defend him.
It wasn’t my obsessive behavior or losing my jobs that convinced me to ask my parents for help. It was my fear of not being good enough for someone who stayed with me even though I was no longer attractive to him, someone who put up with my illogical, eccentric mind, and someone who dealt with my mood swings. If he didn’t want me, who ever would?
One of the hallmarks of bipolar disorder is black-and-white/all-or-nothing thinking. When I was 20, I had made a promise to love Noel. Although we weren’t married, leaving wasn’t an option in my mind – I hadn’t even considered it.
It took a while to get back up on my feet. Both my parents sent money. Eventually, I found a full-time job that offered health insurance working as a marketing coordinator for a tiny mom-and-pop. I started taking my meds and going to therapy again. The meds helped tremendously, but the depression and mania are always there, manageable, but always present. I learned to recognize when an episode was coming on. I learned to look for the grays in between. I learned to find joy in simple things.
But the burning question? Team Edward or Team Jacob? In Google searches, Facebook groups, and IMDB fan ratios, Team Edward has consistently outnumbered Team Jacob, almost 2:1. My opinion now? Neither was a good option. Bella needed to grow and develop as a person before devoting her life to someone else. She was rushing into a choice she had no way of understanding. And her decision really was forever.
I did find the courage to leave Noel in 2012. Ironically, it was in therapy that I finally realized that just because I loved him, I didn’t have to spend the rest of my life with him. I finally realized that I deserved more than someone who just put up with me. I know what a healthy relationship is now. I found someone who loves me exactly the way I am.
In those 16 years, it never was me versus Noel. It was actually me versus myself.
And I finally chose Team Katrina.
Photo by @timegrocery: Link
