What I was like when I came in

What I was like when I came in

I liked the feeling of being knifed to pieces
and sent bleeding down a hill
like earth torn in torrential rains
racing through an innocent village

                                 I might have loved elephants but
                                 laughed when I escaped with a tusk

I liked watching you disappear
after I fucked you, like someone
pulled beneath the surface
of the ocean by a hungry shark

                                 I might have loved you but
                                 I was busy swimming away

I liked to think I was the blood
emptied from an innocent throat
but really I was the knife
left on the floor smiling silver teeth

                                 you should have known better than to sit
                                 on the stairs all night waiting to see if I’d stop breathing

I was a ghost slipping past you,
a sly hand brushing the back of your dress
as I escaped into the terror
of another sleepless night

                                 I believed in time warps
                                 I honestly didn’t think you’d notice I’d been gone

I defied god’s will for me and hid
in dark ugly places hoping
you wouldn’t see me
hoping you wouldn’t miss me

                                 I grew used to sleeping in my own urine
                                 and getting an aids test every 6 months

I believed my demons to be deities
giving me all the stars in the sky
all the universe
my own exploding orgasm

                                 I wasn’t measured
                                 in my response to impulse

there is no heart available
to the obsessive mind
that only craves more and more
and I craved more and more

                                 I awoke most mornings without
                                 the ability to love anything        or anyone


Photo by Jez Timms on Unsplash